the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
