i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
