I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I touched a dick in church today
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
