Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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