I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
