She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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