In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
