Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
