i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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