I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
