I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
