the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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