i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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