Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
