shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
