We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
