ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i will never coherently bang her
We got so high we made milksteak
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
