I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
