The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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