Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize