That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
