Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
