Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
