There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
