My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
