Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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