im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
