i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
