yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
