Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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