Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
