1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dear god my vagina.
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