I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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