I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
