It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
