At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
