When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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