I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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