They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Houston, we have a blender
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
