On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
