I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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