my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
