i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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