i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
