You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
