she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
