Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
