I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
