Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
