dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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